Falling in love is a wonderful thing they say, but you must stay alert for these things that will lead to sleepless nights, self-loathing and Adele songs on loop.

1. Poor hygiene. Love is not about keeping up with a person whose mouth emits an odor that can light up an entire city. It shouldn’t be about holding hands with people who look like they’ve just harvested potatoes. It shouldn’t be about holding your breath while cuddling. It shouldn’t be about questioning yourself why you’d love someone who doesn’t know how to take care of his or herself. Save yourself from the horror.

2. Lack of personality. While this could be a proof that if there is a god that god is fair, it’s also one of the most frustrating things to ever happen in the life of a flirt. I don’t know about you, but Greek gods and goddesses with personalities as bland as rice flour are a waste of your time. Unless you only think about sex and having a trophy boyfriend or girlfriend, these people pose a threat to your emotional quotient. Go find an ugly partner instead- the jokes will be funnier.

3. Lack of culture. If the person you’re checking out has not read any classic yet, or has not seen any Oscar-nominated movie, it’s time to reassess your preferences. You may say being snooty is bad, but do you know anyone sane enough to endure conversations about Justin Bieber and Twilight? People who know a lot about supposedly sophisticated stuff are probably more intelligent than half of the world population. If you don’t like sophisticated people you probably deserve it.

4. Me me me. Have you ever dated someone who feels like it’s his or her sworn duty to talk about his/herself all the time? If you’re into these kinds of people you might as well spend time watching Paris Hilton or the Kardashians. People who only talk about themselves without any provocation are most probably selfish brats who aren’t used to not being the center of attention. They won’t care about your dead relatives, your failed exam or your battle with cancer.

5. Playing with your feelings. At one point in your life you’ve probably come across someone who fucks with your mind like Jigsaw. Sends you messages about hanging out or making out, dates you, tells nice things under the stars, meets someone else then feeds on your jealousy. It’s a trap. People who play mind games just for the sake of it probably had a bitter childhood, and you should not be the poor subject of that person’s way of dealing with life. Unless you’re a masochist who loves the sickness of it all because it makes you feel human, go ahead and kill yourself.

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